Breaking Down to Rebuild: How Destruction Can Lead to Growth
There is beauty in the breakdown.
In Disney’s artistic interpretation of “The Firebird Suite” by Igor Stravinsky, as shown in the visual masterpiece “Fantasia 2000,” the spirit of Spring awakens the all-consuming Firebird. Shown in this retelling as a massive volcano, the Firebird spews lava, sets fire to the woodland valley below, and nearly extinguishes the Spring spirit under a blanket of ash and dust. Just when all hope seems lost, an elk gently breathes life into the weakened sprite, giving her the strength to grow and rebuild the forest anew.
As an historic example of a volcano’s destructive allure, following Mount Vesuvius’s last major eruption in 1944, Professor Giuseppe Imbo, director of the Mt. Vesuvius Observatory, was quoted in LIFE magazine as saying:
“A marvelous thing, my Vesuvius,” the professor enthused. “It covers land with precious ash that makes the earth fertile and grapes grow, and wine. That’s why, after every eruption, people rebuild their homes on the slopes of the volcano. That is why they call the slopes of Vesuvius the compania felix—the happy land.”
Birth and death. Creation and destruction. Ending and renewal. As dramatized in the 2024 Best-Picture winning film “Oppenheimer,” the physicist who led the development of the atomic bomb quoted a line running through his mind from the Bhagavad Gita, an ancient Hindu text, in a 1965 television interview following the Trinity Test:
In a beautiful interpretation of J. Robert Oppenheimer’s words and his connection to the Bhagavad Gita, writer Alok A. Khorana states:
…we see that with these words he was attempting to convey not hubris but rather the paradoxical sense of both awe and terror that he felt upon witnessing the Trinity test explosion. Many human philosophies hide from the destructive aspect of Nature or God, but non-dualism has to acknowledge that creation and destruction alike are inseparable from the One.
Nature itself is constantly in a state of destruction and growth. Science lectures and nature documentaries teach us about inherent cycles of growth, life, renewal, death, and decay which then leads to further growth.
If a tree falls in a forest, it doesn’t matter whether or not it makes a sound because insects, fungi, and bacteria will slowly consume and convert that tree into fertile earth for new trees to grow from. While Oppenheimer may have been rightfully ashamed and terrified of where his invention could lead—and the devastation it already wrecked on people living in Hiroshima and Nagasaki—the study of nuclear fission has also inspired further research into nuclear energy.
Breakdown or New Beginning?
The point that I’m trying to make through all these scientific and philosophical metaphors is that sometimes things have to break down in order to start something new. Romantic breakups, job changes, season changes, a global pandemic, and the loss of loved ones have all made me pause at multiple points in my life, run to a therapist, and try to sort out my problems for a few months. It wasn’t until I lost myself completely during an extreme period of burnout that I realized I needed to fundamentally change the way I lived my life.
As many other writers in their 30s have attested to, I hit a psychic breaking point where I knew I was either going to move towards transformative growth or sink further into chronic illness and despair. The more that I mentally left my body and abandoned myself to work endless hours in front of a computer screen, ignore my physical and emotional needs, and rely primarily on the advice and care of others, the less human I felt. I was a hollowed-out shell where a person once lived.
The Body Keeps the Score
I know that mentioning The Body Keeps the Score by trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk, MD, is somewhat of a cliché in the blogosphere, but mostly because the ideas within the book ring so true. My body lashed out at me in the height of my burnout, just as I thought I had succeeded in ignoring its existence. Biting into a large shrimp at dinner made it feel like my jaw snapped out of place. Lingering jaw and joint issues woke me at 3:00 in the morning with such excruciating pain that I thought my eardrum had burst. I hobbled around my house, frantically calling experts and dentists until I could finally be seen to receive yet another night-guard for teeth grinding (fellow TMJ disorder sufferers will relate).
Even after I left the acutely stressful work environment and restructured my career, there were lingering moments that left me confused and wondering if something more complicated was happening under the surface. A brief conversation at work left me breathless with my heart pounding for at least an hour later. Spending time with friends, family members, and acquaintances for holidays and various get-togethers sometimes left me feeling restless, defensive, or disconnected from myself. I found myself replaying past moments and conversations more often than I was actually living them in the present moment. Walking into a room or subway car full of strangers usually gave me more anxiety and dread than excitement or curiosity. I often spent more time Googling what was happening with myself or asking others for advice than trusting my own body and intuition. To quote Taylor Swift: “It’s me, Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.” More specifically, my past trauma and how my body and mind responded to it was shaping my present experience.
Exercise: Letting Go
This is the beginning of a much larger discussion, and one that will take many more posts and offline conversations to unpack. But I will close for now, inspired by the cherry blossoms blooming in my neighborhood and the emergence of spring, with a brief exercise. In this, I will combine some strategies I have learned around grounding and cognitive restructuring. For those with PTSD and CPTSD, proceed with what works for you while feeling regulated, safe, and fully present.
Find a comfortable seat, if you aren’t already seated. Take a moment to find stillness in your posture. Bring your shoulders back and down, perhaps roll your head a few times in slow circles if that feels good for your neck. You can even gently give yourself a little self massage: press small circles into your temples with your fingertips, then press circular points along your neck and shoulders.
Take a deep breath. If you’re feeling a bit stressed or worked up, you might try one of these methods: 1.) Two deep sniffs through your nose, then audibly sigh out of your mouth. 2.) Inhale to a silent count of 4 seconds. Hold the breath for 7 seconds at the top. Slowly exhale to a count of 8. Rinse and repeat as needed.
From a relaxed place, consider if there is a thought or belief about yourself that may need re-examining. As an example, you might be frustrated about not finishing everything on your to-do list over the weekend. The underlying belief might be “I’m so lazy.”
Instead of letting the thought or belief turn into a long story or further self-criticism, see if you can get curious about it. Try to ask yourself why you’re telling yourself this statement and why you believe it to be true. Is there an early childhood experience that comes to mind that could have implanted this belief, or something you heard from a loved one or authority figure?
If this experience is causing more internal stress and anguish, please feel free to stop, thank yourself for the experience, and divert your attention elsewhere. This is an excellent exercise to practice in therapy or with someone you can trust, and you’re not giving up on yourself if you need to come back to it later.
If you are able to find the root of the statement, or at least where feelings of shame and guilt might be coming from, thank yourself and see if there is an alternate way to explain the situation and give yourself some credit. In the case of the to-do list, instead of “I’m so lazy,” the internal dialogue could be something like “I completed what I could with the time that I had” or “I am proud of myself for accomplishing ___” [insert one or two tasks or goals that you did finish]
I hope part or all of this is helpful, and for those of you who are also on a journey of moving past trauma and into a brighter future: I see you, I acknowledge you, I care for you, and I’m so glad you’re here.
Extra Credit: Listening
“Vesuvius” by Sufjan Stevens
One of my favorite singer-songwriters calls upon the volcano’s transformative force to confront his own insecurities.
Also: “Closing Time” by Semisonic
For my fellow 90’s kids out there, it’s the end of the school dance, the fluorescents are back on in the gym. IYKYK.
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
with renewal,
Michaela