It's OK to be OK: Why feeling good about yourself doesn't mean you’re a terrible person
It's time to normalize contentment and self-acceptance.
Moth on Queen Anne’s Lace (2023) / Michaela Weglinski
In a recent session, I told my therapist that I was feeling fine overall and didn’t have much to complain about. My therapist’s face lit up with excitement and suggested we sit in that moment, then asked me how it felt to be content. Almost immediately, my face flushed with guilt and embarrassment and I told her I was worried about how my mother was doing.
Putting aside decades of chronic people-pleasing and codependency (to be addressed in a future piece), I was unable to accept my own contentment just as it was. What gives me the right to be happy when my family might be suffering, many people face genocide and poverty around the world, and there is a growing climate disaster playing out on the global stage?
In short, it felt incredibly uncomfortable to accept that I felt happy. I still struggle with this sometimes, and my brain will try to invent things for me to worry about in the absence of a gripe or grievance.
Why are we like this?
I assume it’s not just me (or the Charlie Browns of the world), even if I have an anxious, over-reactive brain. I wonder if my response has been engrained from a mixture of my life experience and society’s expectations. After I stopped using social media regularly a year or two ago, I was able to step back a bit from the hypnotic tractor beam that it seems to pull on us. From my understanding, as a collective on social media, we are either expected to celebrate and show off our “wins,” demonstrate shared support or rage towards the latest cause or injustice, or elicit sympathy from acquaintances and loved ones when we need a virtual hug or pat on the back.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with using social media for validation and connection, but I think this is part of why our perception of our own lives has become so distorted in the 21st century. Add in the messages from a western capitalist society dictating that you’re not good enough without changing your attitude and physical appearance to adhere to the accepted norm, and your life is not good enough until you buy X product that will solve all your problems, and you get a toxic brew that leads to insecurity about your own existence.
I haven’t solved world hunger or the climate crisis. Do I still deserve to be happy?
Yes! While there are at least a few billionaires and corporations who should feel guilty about that question, the average person does not need to solve problems of that magnitude to feel content within themselves. Of course I often feel anxious and upset about the crises that face us as a species, and yet on a small, personal scale, I deserve to seek and enjoy my own inner happiness. Why? Because I’m a living being. And so are you. Unless you did something that caused serious harm to others, you also deserve happiness and fulfillment.
By the way, if you’re concerned about these issues and injustices, there are some things you can do to make a difference. Use websites like Volunteer Match to find volunteer opportunities in your area, and sites like Charity Navigator and Go Fund Me to support your favorite causes. You can also contact your local elected representatives to urge them to take a stance on an issue that you’re passionate about. As an added bonus, engaging in altruistic behaviors can increase our inner happiness and self worth.
But I haven’t finished [insert lofty goal here] yet!
Doesn’t matter! You could be the CEO of a thriving company, a scientist with multiple PhDs, a Starbucks barista, or a stay-at-home parent—regardless of what you do to cover living expenses and care for your family, you deserve to be happy, whole, and content on a regular basis. If the idea of deserving happiness without accomplishing your life’s work or fixing everyone else’s problems brings up thoughts of inadequacy, you may want to seek professional support from a counselor or therapist. I’m planning to discuss the importance of therapy in a future piece, but in the meantime I’ll wrap up with a quote and a self-care exercise.
Takeaway #1: “You’re amazing, just the way you are”
Just pretend you’re Bruno Mars, and you’re singing that line to yourself. I’m embedding this video directly to bring in some sage advice from renowned addiction and trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté, who I will cover in later pieces. Watch below as he explains the difference between contingent and genuine self-esteem.
Now, think about how you think of yourself. Does your sense of self depend on accomplishing something, or proving yourself to others? Can you give yourself a pat on the back today, just for being you?
Takeaway #2: Loving-Kindness Meditation
Loving what-now? Give this a chance before scrolling away—I know the name is a bit woo-woo, but the practice of metta, or loving-kindness, is a powerful exercise in gratitude. Our brains are hard-wired to ruminate about all the things that we perceive are wrong with ourselves and our lives. Exercises like this meditation can help us break out of our default setting and retrain our brains to build compassion towards ourselves and others. Here’s how to do it:
Find a comfortable seat. Make sure you can sit in a posture that is relaxed, while staying upright and alert.
Close your eyes, or find a soft gaze. If it helps you focus, you can shut off the lights in your space and light a candle, watching it softly flicker.
Take a few deep breaths. If it’s helpful, you can breathe in to a count of four, and then breathe out to a count of six. Think of expanding your belly and then your chest on the inhale, then slowly contracting both on the exhale. After a few deep intentional breaths, relax and relinquish your focus.
Silently repeat the following phrases to yourself:
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I be free from suffering
May I be at peace
Next, think of a loved one—a family member, romantic partner, close friend, anyone in your life who could use a mental hug from you. Imagine their face in your mind, as if they were suddenly standing in front of you. Then silently repeat the phrases with your loved one in mind:
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be free from suffering
May you be at peace
Finally, bring to mind someone who gets on your nerves. Maybe they’re a colleague, neighbor, or family member who you don’t agree with or engages in a behavior that you find grating. Bring that person’s face to mind, and imagine them standing in front of you. Without malice or sarcasm, and in the same way as you repeated the phrases to yourself, imagine saying them again to this person:
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be free from suffering
May you be at peace
Pause for a moment and pay attention to how you feel. Take a final deep breath to close, and slowly open your eyes or return your focus to the entire room.
How did that feel? Maybe the next time you’re feeling bad about yourself or inwardly fuming about what someone did at work, school, home, or on your commute, pause and take a moment to do this exercise.
Wishing everyone a safe, relaxing, and enjoyable holiday and a Happy New Year!
With gratitude,
Michaela